Endless

There will never be enough time. I will never be fulfilled. My desires will never be sated. I know this, and it terrifies me and it fuels me. How can we possibly be satisfied with this life? It is so short.

I know that at some point, I will die, and most likely, my last thought will be of regret, because I can never be satisfied. It will never be enough. I want a hundred lifetimes, a hudnred thousand lifetimes. I want it to never end. It's so cruel to know how precious this is, how rare, and unlikely our lives here on planet Earth are and to know just how limited it is. To know that it will all end far before we can know what it is we will be missing.

And we fill it, we fill it with insecurity and doubt and useless things that waste our lives, mislead them down unimportant paths. I want so much more.

OH to give me immortality. There is nothing more I want than that. There is nothing more to have. To never die. I wish I believed there was something else, because knowing this is it, knowing there is nothing else is the worst feeling. It is so cruel. It is unfair, and to know what you will be losing, without the ability to change it is so unjust. God!... if only I believed in one!

This is not enough! I am a quarter through an average lifetime and I'm nowhere near a quarter full.

At any point, our fragile lives can end. A crash, lightning, an earthquake, deep vein thrombosis, and it's all over. That's all she wrote, and we won' t even be there to miss it.

The five stages, right? I'm aleady in it. Stuck in disbelief, stuck in denial and bargaining. There must be a way around this, a way to live forever. I know what I'll be missing! It's all that I haven't yet experienced. All the people I could meet, all the things I could learn, all the days I could etch into my human mind. There is so much and I want to fill every ounce of me with it, but doesn't this world know that there is more room in me than just one life can fill?!!?!?!?!?

I will give and give and give all that this world, this universe needs, to keep me alive. I will sacrafice, and love, and adore, and comit to life on this planet, and I will be magnificent, if only I can do it forever!! If only I had the chance. If only we had the opportunity to live life to it's fullest, to live without end. If only there wasn't a limit to life here on this planet, with these ambiguous people and our ambigous lives. If only we had time to experience all of it. I would drink every moment fully and be drunk on the endlessness of it.